Today was kind of a rough day. The lightheadedness and other panic attack symptoms started again. This time it was scary because Mike had gone out to the hospital again, they needed yet another blood sample (this is supposed to be it for a while, thank goodness!).
But I was actually wondering if I was going to die before he got back, and thought about calling 911. Yes, even though I KNOW that this passes, it’s still very, very scary at the time it happens.
And for me, it’s not just ten minutes and it passes. Mine come in waves, and it goes on for hours.
At around 1PM, I tried getting out of bed, and sitting up at the computer to do some work. But another wave hit me, and I thought I was going to fall out of the chair. So I went back to bed and watched judge shows on channel 25. I had the lights on and the TV turned up load, to keep from falling asleep. One of the things that these attacks do to me is make me fear that if I allow myself to go to sleep, I will never wake up again. I know that this is not true, but at the time, the feeling is very real.
Mike came home a little after 3PM, and channel 25 was now showing a “Law & Order” rerun, which I was trying to watch. Mike was sitting on the bed with me, I asked him to, being that it made me feel better. And I did go to sleep while “Law & Order” was on, because I didn’t see how it turned out at the end. Mike had changed the channel at 4PM to “Judge Judy”.
I felt well enough to sit up by then, and we watched “Judge Judy” and then the channel 4 news. Then I tried going online to get my work done, this tim, I felt much better. For some reason, I have NEVER had a panic attack at night.
So I’m hoping that tomorrow I will be spared, as I have other stuff to do but lay around fearing my own demise, or going to th ER to be told that I’m not dying. We need to do some serious grocery shopping, and I also need to cook. I haven’t cooked a meal in weeks, with all that’s been happening. I want to get back to that. I picked up a couple o cool cookbooks recently, including Hubert Keller’s Burger Bar cookbook, which I bought when I was up in Portland several weeks ago. I also got Steven Raichlen’s Indoor Grilling book, which has great recipes and techniques for many toys that I already own. It includes George Foreman grills, rotisseries, and stovetop smokers, all of which I own.
On Sunday, we have tickets for a Brockton Rox game, and I am going to peel myself off of whatever surface I pass out on in order to go. But the good news is that, when I was dealing with this crap last year, any panic attack symptoms I had would disappera shortly after sitting down at a ball game, and I’d be okay for the rest of the day. Let’s hope that is still the case!
So I wish this crap would go away already, so I can FINALLY have my life back!
