the passionate ailurophile

I hope that this nonsense is NOT coming back, but I’m afraid it might be.  Yesterday (Thursday), I had a rather nasty panic attack, and what was scary about it was that I was not at home!

Mike had a doctor’s appointment at the Lahey Clinic.  I wanted to tag along and have him drop me off at the nearby Burlington Mall, because I needed to buy some stuph from the makeup and skin care store that’s there.

I was kind of tired and dizzy and light-headed, but I got up and dressed and went anyway, figuring it would pass.  Mike dropped me off at the entrance where the Legal Sea Foods restaurant is. the plan was for him to meet me in the bar of this restaurant, and we’d have lunch after his appointment was over.

I thought I was fine until I got out of the car and started walking to the doors of the mall.  I was so light-headed, I was afraid I was going to fall down.  I had made Mike bring his phone, and I thought of calling him to tell him to come back and bring me to Lahey, too.  But I realized, it’s probably just the panic attacks coming back again, and they will pass.  They always do.

I was starting to feel symptoms other than the lightheadedness, such as the sweaty palms, during the ride there.  There were a lot of Massholes out on the roads, and more than once, I thought we’d get killed.  This sort of thing is why I try not to drive if I don’t have to these days.  I’ve been under enough stress lately.

Anyhoo, I walked into the mall, and was afraid I’d fall down and pass out, so I found a nearby bench and sat on it.  I still have some of those damned Ativan pills left from when I was dealing with this last summer, so I took one.  Then I just sat for a while and waited for it to pass.

But then I had no choice, I had to get up because I had to go to the bathroom.  I made it down this long hallway to the ladies’ room and did not fall down.  I went to the bathroom, and made it back out into the mall without falling down.

I was still feeling lighheaded and fearing death (and that if I were to pass out, that someone in the mall would steal my purse and use my credit cards).  But I decided to head to the makeup boutique anyway.  It’s on the second level, and luckily, it is near the elevators.  On a good day, escalators make me nervous, but today, no way could I ride on one and not freak out.

I was almost okay at the makeup boutique, still a bit lightheaded, but I found what I was looking for.  I even hung out and let the salesguy demo some products for me.  Yeah…they have a GUY working in a makeup store that is patronized mostly by women.  I was a bit surprised by this, but hey, he was very nice and he knew his stuff.  So why not?

After I paid for my purchases and left, I needed to sit down again.  There was a bench nearby, so I sat on it for a little bit.  But then this weird old geezer guy was hanging around, looking at me, so I got up and went back down the elevator, and walked back to Legal Sea Foods.  Mike was not there yet.  So I went in and sat at the bar and ordered a beer.  For some reason, for me, the little white happy pill works better with a beer chaser.

So I sat there for as long as it took for me to finish the one beer, about 30 minutes, when Mike finally showed up.  I was feeling quite a bit better by then, although I still felt a little bit woozy.  We had some lunch, and then went to the Good Post Office, which is not far away, to collect the mail.

This is how the panic attacks were going before, at their worst.  They’d start in the AM, go on for a good portion of the day, and then subside.  Now I’m fine.  I just hope I don’t get a repeat of this in the morning.  At least I can stay in bed if I have to, that helps.

I am just wondering if all of the stress from Mike being in the hospital, plus worrying about losing the disability money and all, is what is triggering this now.  But what I did notice was that I felt a LOT better when Mike showed up.  Before he did, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to eat, but when he did appear, I was able to order food (although I took half of my lunch to go, and let Mike finish it for dinner because I was too tired to cook).

If this is starting up again, I should get myself my own Lahey doctor and make an appointment.  I don’t want to go back to the doc who gave me the pills last year, she’s with the sister hospital to the hellhole, and I refuse to trust Hallmark Health ever again.  If the Lahey docs are good enough for Mike, they are good enough for me, too.  I feel like I can trust them.

As for Mike, he is doing great.  The doctor looked at that battery-operated whosit that they put inside him, it’s working as it should.  They also removed the dressing, and now he is legally allowed to take a shower.  So he took the world’s longest shower after we got home.  The incision was only a couple of inches long, and there are no stitches.  Well, there were, but they used those dissolving stitches, which are all, well…dissolved. It’s only been a week since they put it in, but it’s healed up very nicely.  He says it still feels a little sore, and that he can feel the thing inside him, but eventually he will get used to it.  At least that is what the doctors say.

So I’m glad that this went well.  Now I just need to calm down somehow, so that my summer is not ruined by this panic attack crap!